


Only

by BurningRain



Category: Negan - Fandom, The Walking Dead
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-25
Updated: 2017-03-25
Packaged: 2018-10-10 09:02:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10434177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BurningRain/pseuds/BurningRain
Summary: Song request by BURNAAAThe song is Only by Nine Inch NailsHere's a link to the song via YouTubehttps://youtu.be/mDsqpeiTqg8





	

Negan remembered the day the world ended with intense clarity. The harsh antiseptic smell, the incessant beeping of the monitors that kept a reliable rhythm... until they didn't. Her skin was paper thing stretched over bones as delicate as blown glass. Regret hung in his breath like alcohol as he watched her last. The room was like a vacuum, devoid of anything beyond the two of them. Just like that she was gone, nothing left behind but the frail corpse he clung to screaming.

 

He'd stepped out into the world outside the hospital but a part of him never left that bedside. Part of his soul had been ripped from him and the gaping wound sterilized. The pain was so immense that he couldn't even feel it, couldn't feel anything anymore. All he knew was that she was gone and nothing was ever going to be okay again. 

The dead began to rise and he didn't have the courage to look, afraid to see her shambling corpse coming for him, delivering the justice she never got in life. People began to follow him and he knew this was his repentance. He needed to protect them, to save them, and maybe somehow redeem the ragged remnants of his souls he had tarnished when he hurt her.

 

He was a ghost among corpses, less than a shadow of the man he'd been before. The man she had made him. He was nothing but an echo chasing a melody that had long since faded away. It is impossible to remind someone that they are your whole world when you have forgotten it yourself. The other woman never meant anything, neither had any other woman since. Just hot holes for his cock, just a distraction. They weren't home. She was his fucking everything and he would spend the rest of his pathetic life trying to make it right.

 

*I'm becoming less defined  
As days go by  
Fading away  
Well you might say  
I'm losing focus  
Kinda drifting into the abstract  
In terms of how I see myself*

 

He was so lost. When she was here she was his rock, without her he was untethered. He didn't know who he was without her. Fucking and fighting through this hellscape, his reflection was hazy and smeared with blood. Everywhere he turned filthy palms reached for him, voices screaming and begging for salvation. He couldn't save them. Bodies piled up around him, eyes wide open, accusing and reminding him of his sentence. He didn't even exist anymore. All he had was a charade and a compulsion that fit like a poorly made mask perched on the roiling seas beneath.

 

*Sometimes  
I think I see right through myself   
Sometimes  
I think I see right through myself  
Sometimes  
I think I see right through myself*

 

She came into his life in a flash of golden curls and brilliant smiles, just like before. It was like looking at a memory playing out in real time. It wasn't right, it wasn't really her, but it was close enough. She glowed so vibrantly in a world of gray and he just could not pull away. 

 

She didn't play by the rules of this new world; she was kind, compassionate, selfless. She was so much like the one he needed, he had to protect her. This new truth hasn't diminished her brilliance and he was going to keep it that way. Nothing mattered to him anymore except protecting people. She cared about everyone and everything. It was like for her nothing mattered and so everything mattered. Lucille had been his lighthouse in the storm of his mind. She was more like a flickering candle in the eye of a hurricane. She didn't love him, but for the comfort, the safety, and the great fuck she would provide the companionship he sought. She wasn't what he truly needed, more of a quick fix or a bandaid for a bullet wound. She wasn't Lucille but she would do, until his time was done and he could hold his love in his arms again.

 

*Less concerned  
About fitting into this world  
Your world, that is  
'cause it doesn't really matter  
Anymore   
No, it doesn't really matter  
Anymore   
None of this really matters  
Anymore*

 

Sometimes it all just got to be too much and he would take her hard and fast until he was so spent he would sleep through the night. She didn't seem to mind, fuck, he thought she liked it as much as he did. Other nights he took his time, brought her to completion over and over, just like Lucille had liked it. Intimate. She didn't seem to mind that he always called another woman's name, never asked questions. Some mornings he would wake up to her sleeping next to him and forget. She was a good counterfeit but nothing like the masterpiece he wanted her to emulate. Those first moments after he remembered where he was, who was laying next to him, and who he had become, those were the worst. Having to mourn her loss over and over again. He felt more alone on those days, like maybe the memories he was chasing were only dreams.

 

*Yes I am alone  
But then again I always was  
As far back as I can tell  
I think maybe it's because  
Because you were never really real  
To begin with*

 

He tried to forget, to bury his grief along with his cock in her hot little pussy. Tried to convince himself that she wasn't real, that it didn't matter. He tried to believe it was a fantasy but he wasn't strong enough to put it away.

 

*I just mad you up  
To hurt myself  
I just made you up   
To hurt myself  
I just made you up  
To hurt myself  
And it worked  
Yes it did*

 

He couldn't hate Lucille so he hated her instead. He would never lay hands on a woman but he wanted to make her hurt. Nothing had ever been as horrible as the look on Lucille's face when she had confronted him; the pain and the defeat. She'd been fighting the cancer up to that point but from then on she started to wither and fade. He needed her to hurt like Lucille had. He started fucking other women, wasn't discreet about it. Everyone knew. He felt nothing.

 

*There is no you  
There is only me  
There is not you  
There is only me  
There is no fucking you  
There is only me  
There is no fucking you  
There is only me*

 

This confrontation was different than before. There was a fire in her eyes but it wasn't anger.

 

*Only Only Only*

 

She grabbed him by the lapels of his leather jacket and pulled him down to her in a surprising display of force. He had been rough before but nothing like this. Lucille would never have done anything like this. He reached up to hold her face but she batted his hands away. His hands instead tangled in her hair and gave a sharp tug, pulling her head back. She moaned loudly and he felt himself harden. He bit roughly on her neck and her hips canted forward against him. This was a new kind of High that he'd never explored before. Something dark, something carnal, something that belonged solely to this new thing he was becoming. 

 

*Well the tiniest little dot caught my eye  
And it turned out to be a scab  
And I had this funny feeling  
Like I just knew it was something bad*

 

Clothes were torn away like rags and left forgotten. The desk was cleared with an unceremonious sweep of his arm. He picked her up and dumped her on the desk. She grabbed him, legs wrapped tightly around his middle. He thrust into her without pretense, bottoming out on the first hit. Her nails raked down his back as he rutted wildly, the wet sounds of his balls slapping her ass drowned out but their animalistic cries of pleasure. There was nothing if Lucille here.

 

*I just couldn't leave it alone  
I cut off that scab  
It was a doorway trying to deal itself shut  
But I climbed through*

 

The desk made an awful screeching noice as it scooched across the floor, leaving deep divets in the floor. Sweat burned the deep, bloody tracks she left in his back. The pain heightened his pleasure and drive him closer to his finish. A large, long-fingered hand wrapped around her throaght and squeezed. She was close and, even in a hatefuck, the lady always finishes first.

 

*Now I'm somewhere   
I am not supposed to be  
And I can see things I know  
I really shouldn't see*

 

He and Lucille had always fucked like rabbits, from day one they'd been all over each other. They'd never tried any of this kinky shit, not even on birthdays. She was eating it up, though, and he was less than surprised that he was too. This was part of who he was now. He released his grip when she tightened around him. Her body convulsed and her eyes rolled back as he fucked her through her orgasm. He pulled out and shot his load all over her stomach and up onto her tits. He called nobody's name.

 

*And now I know why  
Now I know why  
Things aren't as pretty  
On the inside*

 

She no longer resembled Lucille in any way. The shine of her hair wasn't the right color, the spark of mischief in her eyes was absent. There was no music in her laugh or grace in her movements. She was less than a shadow of his beloved and he now carried the quilt of another sin against her in his soul. She no longer shared his bed and he didn't even blink when another man occupied hers. He had tried to fill the hole with the generic brand equivalent of the most decadent flavor the world had ever known and it left a cheap taste in his mouth.

 

*There is no you  
There is only me  
There is no you  
There is only me  
There is no fucking you   
There is only me*

 

Lucille was gone and the man she had known and loved could not survive this world. He had to stop looking for her but he had to hold on to that version of himself. Maybe he needed to be tucked away somewhere deep and dark but if he ever got to find her again... he needed to still be what she had known, only better this time.

 

In the meantime, there were a few new things he wanted to try.

 

*Only Only Only Only Only Only*


End file.
